Showbiz Shithole

At the arse end of celebrity - so you don't have to be!

Monday, April 03, 2006

 

Makosi – ‘I’m a £1,500 a night hooker! But I’m too posh for Shithole!’


Hooray! Our favourite ever Big Brother contestant - Makosi McBigtits - has sunk to new lows. She’s announced she was paid £1,500 on two different occasions by ‘a young, attractive TV presenter’ to shag him along with some other random old whore. (Although if it was that charming Barney we’d have done it for free). Tearful Makosi even blurted ‘I could hang myself tomorrow and no one would care. I feel like a female dog.’

To mark this special occasion we gave her agent a ring (yes! Amazingly she does still have one!) We asked if she’d fancy having a chat with us to tell us all about the ups and downs of her new career. They turned us down! It’s a bit late in the day to pretend you’re not a great big slapper innit Makosi?!They offered me someone else instead. I think it was the bird who announces the balls on the lottery.

We obviously laughed and told them to fuck off.

 

Carmen Electra - 'Me so horny, blah blah blah'

Faked boobed floozy Carmen Electra’s got another shit ‘comedy’ film out on DVD. To celebrate she phoned me up for a chat. I couldn’t give a shit about Carmen Electra or her tits so it was a boring experience for both of us. I thought I’d ask about her short lived music career rather than her plastic knockers or her lezzer-tastic photoshoots. This took Carmen by surprise. When it became apparent I wasn’t going to delve into her boobs she dropped random smut into the conversation. ‘I like trip hop. Trip hop gets me horny! It’s so sexy!’ she blathered. Then out of nothing she lezzed up Jordan. ‘She’s so hot! She’s such a good looking girl! And she’s so nice! That’s a rare combination. I did a sexy shoot with her.’ Keep your knickers on skank-face. What a fucking slut.

More c-list nonentities to come viewers! We’re sure you’re shitting yourselves in anticipation.

Monday, March 06, 2006

 

Rachel Hunter – fat munter

I agreed to interview Rachel Hunter. I wish I hadn’t. In true dimwit desperado style (see Kelly Brook, below) she got quite uppity when we strayed off the scam she was promoting (something for skanky gypsy clothes craphole TK Maxx). She only wanted to use me to beg for work (‘Something involving dancing and acting on the West End stage would be reeely greet’ she whined, like the giantess Kiwi numpty she is.
Her genius masterstroke came when I asked if she was embarrassed by the fake-pap pics (see left) she posed for when she was shagging self-pitying whinge-bag Robbie Williams.

Munter: ‘I don’t comment about that.’

Shithole: ‘Was it a moment of madness’

Munter: ‘Er, yeeh, it was a moment of medness.’

Fuck’s sake…

 

Mariah Carey – an optical illusion

I find my days (and nights)) dreary, mundande and generally soul destroying. How better to take waste a few moments of this never ending tedium than by pinging an email off to Mariah Carey’s PRs to ask if there’s a medical explanation for their clients recent weight gain. Look at that pic readers! She ain’t no Teri Hatcher!

I may have unleashed a can of worms! No less than three people from her company phoned me back – including the boss – and they call clearly spelled out, in a vaguely Godfather-esque way, that Mariah Absolutely Has Not Put Weight On. ‘She’s a size 8. She looks fabulous. You must be looking at old pictures. It’s an optical illusion. SHE IS A SIZE EIGHT AND LOOKS FABULOUS. YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN. We all make mistakes darling, no need to APOLOGISE.'

Christ almighty! I nearly shat my pants! Shudder. Call your people off Mariah – it’s all been a terrible misunderstanding!

 

Kelly Brook – That’s irrelevant

Boob flasher extraordinaire Kelly Brook, who now lives full time in LA, is flogging her range of manky bikinis at chav Mecca New Look. She celebrated by phoning me and boring on for 7 minutes about what ‘inspired’ her to knock up her pikey swimwear range (er, unemployment perhaps?) In true c-lister-with-a-chip-on-her-shoulder fashion though Kel got her thong in a twist when we tried to stray ‘off topic’. The big-headed-talent-blackhole came out ‘I don’t care what people think of me, the UK market is tiny. No one thinks about the UK when they’re casting movies or selling DVDs’. That’s as maybe Kel but seeing as the UK are the only fuckers who know who you are maybe you should keep your mouth shut? Sigh.

Shithole: ‘Are you going to invite Jason Statham [her ex] to your wedding to Billy Zane’

Kel: ‘That’s irrelevant.’

That’s a coincidence. Silly tart.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

 

Are those Kat’s earrings?

Orange faced fat slag Jessie Wallace – better known as EastEnders resident fluorescent fishwife Kat Slater – has a reputation for being a right fucking bitch. Turns out it’s richly deserved! A Shithole Spy spent several months working on EastEnders, frequently having to stand around on set near the actors. Jessie Wallace took an instant dislike to our Spy, frequently making bitchy comments or giving her dirty looks. Our Spy was particularly disgusted one day when, in front of the whole crew and loads of actors, Kat started shouting at her ‘Are those Kat’s ear rings? I think they are. I think you’ve stolen Kat’s earrings and you’re wearing them now.’

Pissed old slapper.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

 

David Boreanaz – enjoy it while it lasts!

If you recognise the large-faced chap in this vintage promotional picture you will (only, if at all) know him as the bloke who played Angel in three series of Buffy and five series of his own show. You may reasonably assume, despite the fact he’s in some crap CSI rip-off right now, that he may be willing to discuss what he spent doing with his career for 8 years. Oh no. This is the email I got from his PR, warning me off and then (the cheek) telling me how to do my job:

"As for Angel and Buffy, he's specifically asked that he doesn't get asked questions about this previous role as he's trying to move beyond his Angel character and look forward to the success of Bones. However, I'm sure you can play around with your questions so you avoid referring directly to Angel but instead ask how it compares to previous roles, do you enjoy playing a good guy now rather than your darker roles etc."

I obviously told her to shove it up her arse.

 

This piece of shit is Julien Macdonald

Fur scum! Luckily my dealings with this mincing Welsh orange tub of quivering crap have been limited. Ages ago I got pissed at a fashion show he did for Barbie – in which he dressed a couple of dozen 8 to 12 year old girls like a bunch of prostitutes. More recently though I agreed to interview this cunt. PRs, why not warn the journalist if your client doesn’t want to discuss something? This will prevent the experience becoming a total waste of everyone’s time. As it was Jules wasn’t giving me more than 5 word answers to my questions (other than to insist Liz Hurley ‘knocks spots off the competition, she really is fabooless’) but it all went to tits when I asked him about his fur collection. ‘I’m not talking about it’ he snapped, despite bragging that the PETA protest on his catwalk two months was ‘good publicity’ and that he ‘was a fan of all blood sports’ in interviews when the event took place. Not only is he a chinchilla killing cunt, he’s a coward as well!

Why not save some nice furry animals from mega-arsed murderess Jennifer Lopez here?

Friday, December 02, 2005

 

Steve Guttenberg - Living On A Prayer

I can safely say I’ve never had an interview like this one. I called Police Academy legend Steve Guttenberg at his home. A flunky answered the phone and put me on hold. I should have known something would be "up" when the hold music was Living On A Prayer. Minutes later, after a couple of innocent questions, Steve told me how rich he was and asked if I wanted him to be poor again. Being a polite chap I told him that of course I didn’t want him to be poor again. I began to suspect maybe Steve was a bit worse for wear…but it was 10AM! Surely not?! Read on and leave a message if you can think of any rational explanation for the below exchange – other than Steve being pissed to buggery. (By the way - he sure as shit doesn't look like he does in this pic anymore)

Me: Anything else on the horizon?
Steve: I’ll have to come to London soon to meet all my friends again. I was there last year.

What do you like about London?
I love the price of things. It’s so cheap to go to London today. It’s like $1000 to get a taxi ride to the airport. Ha ha ha.

Is there anything about London you don’t like?
I’ve just noticed everyone has a very funny accent over there. Someone’s just told me the English are still trying to take over the United States - is that true?

No one’s told me about it.
I think it is true. I think the RAF are going to head towards the United States with big fat bombs. We need to be a colony again. That’s the problem. We’re out of control. If we were a colony everything would be fine.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

 

Max Beesely's cocaine problem

Poor Holy Moly. They sent out a story about this ginger talent vortex but had to issues this apology mere hours later. Let's have a laugh:

"In a mailshot sent today entitled “Like a caveman hollowing out a brontosaurus” we said “Have a listen to Max Beesley Jr III or whatever he's called now offering his coke induced charming insight into "His time with Take That". We now accept that any reference to Mr Beesley taking cocaine is entirely false and inaccurate.
Furthermore, Mr Beesley did not consent to the recording to which we provided a link. It was a private conversation, the recording was obtained surreptitiously and Mr Beesley did not consent to it being published or otherwise made available. As such, we were not authorised to provide the recording. We apologise unreservedly for any hurt and distress we have caused Mr Beesley. "

Poor Mr Beesley indeed. Who'd have thought he'd be so sensitive? He's still best known for being Take That's bongo player, his time as Mel B's shag piece and his starring role in universally derided mega-turkey Glitter - so we'd have thought he'd be glad of the attention - he was sure happy enough to wave his bare about for this gay mag a few years ago. We were at a very shit magazine party once. Beesley came in with Adey from the Salon (rubbish reality TV casualty) they both entered the club, went straight to the gents. shrugged off the attentions of a Big Brother contestant and left again. That was it. He came in, went to the bogs with his pal and left. The whole thing too about 6 minutes. Nothing suspicious there then...

What a ginger toss pot.

Friday, November 18, 2005

 

Makosi - 'a low-life lesbian'

Well done to megaboobed Big Brother floozy Makosi - she's successfully avoided being deported back to Zimabwe after she invalidated her work visa by leaving her job as a nurse to pretend to be pregnant on a reality TV show.

Makosi dodged deportation by claiming she'd be 'discriminated against' back in Zimbabwe because she got her knockers out on the telly, snogged Irish skank-bag Orlaith and pretended she got knocked up by a Geordie in a swimming pool. 'They call me a low-life lesbian in Zimbabwe' weeps Makosi McBigtits 'they think I've committed a crime by wearing a bikini.'

So. The real reason she's still here isn't anything to do with the fact her uncle is a high-up official in the evil Mugabe government then? What a slag.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

 

Adrien Brody - Big Nose, Big Ego

He's no oil painting but it seems like Adrien Brody's ego is as big as his nose. Way back in time when he won the Oscar for his role in The Pianist, Brody arrived at the Vanity Fair party, saw one of his co-stars languishing in the queue outside - blanked her and left her there. How rude!

It's not for us to stick up for second rate actresses but we can't help but chuckle! She's surprisingly popular, knows a load of showbiz journos and has convinced all and sundry Brody is nothing but an arrogant weirdo - with dodgy hair and terrible BO. Apparently Brody reeks and won't use deodorant. What a dirty bastard.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

 

A Fairy Story...

We've heard some shit in our time, but this flight of fancy from none other than orange-skinned mincer Dale Winton takes the whole biscuit barrel.

Botoxed-to-fuck Dale told a reliable Shithole Source a shocking story of his time at the top - back in the days when Supermarket Sweep and Pets Win Prizes put him at the pinnacle of the crap quiz show game. A 'hot' property around town, Dale had been invited to a lavish party where he met none other than the biggest A-Listers in London at the time - Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Cruise and Dale struck up a conversation [insert buggery joke here] and when Dale was about to skip off home for the night Cruise insisted that they must go out for dinner soon. Starstruck Dale inquired who else would be going or was it just to be him, Tom and Nicole. At this point - according to Dale - Tom put his titchy hand on Dale's shoulder and said "Who said Nicole would be coming?"

Yes reader, Dale Winton was telling my pal that Tom fucking Cruise tried to chat him up! Tom Cruise! And Dale Winton!! AS FUCKING IF!!! Dale, all that sun bedding must have twisted your big gay melon coz the only cunt who's going to believe that load of crap is your pal Cilla "pissed every night with the poofs down Shadow Lounge" Black. At least a late blooming career in stand up comedy beckons if he can't claw his way back to be King/Queen of the Lottery.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

 

Is Mr Buffy a bender?

Freddie loves a big pole
I saw this on the Popbitch mailout and my tiny mind started working over time:

"Which newsworthy Brit actor has had a number of secret sexual encounters with other famous actors, including a pretty-boy American chick-flick favourite, who is married to a feisty blonde actress?"

You don’t need to call the Mystery Machine when this Nancy Drew is on the case – surely the protagonists in this blind item can be none other than Jude "Enemy At The (Back) Gate" Law and Freddie "I Know What You Did Last Bummer" Prinze Jr? Of course, we may be a few Scooby Snacks short of a picnic but it makes sense to us. Rumours of Law’s lavender ways have been flying round town for some time. And if Freddie wasn’t a secret bender why did he have to get pissed out his box before he took Sarah Michelle Gellar up the aisle? Cast your minds back to this September 2002 quote, reader:

"I don't remember the details of the wedding because I was drunk most of the time. My best man comes in and I'm butt naked on the floor. He was dressing me and I had like drool on my cheek. His hand was on the small of my back, holding me up straight so I didn't fall over."

It’s obvious innit? Next!


 

Credit where it's due

This is 1920s bit-part actress Peg Entwistle (showing her tits. Between her and Tara this blog is becoming a parade of perversion). After a small role in some film called Thirteen Women her career screeched to a halt. In despair Peg climbed to the top of the letter H in the HollywoodLand sign and threw herself off – impaling herself on a great big cactus in a messy, bloody, grisly and certainly spectacular farewell to planet Earth.

Kym Marsh, Geri Halliwell and Michelle McManMountain – why can’t you dozy fucking bitches follow Peg’s dazzling example?


 

I fucking love Tara Reid

She drinks like a fucking maniac and doesn’t give a shit when she's papped falling (literally) out of a club or flashing her knickers while getting out of a van (class) or indeed when she walks down a red carpet with her left boob hanging out (pictured). Imagine out glee when she said ‘yes’ to a probing from us. Imagine our dismay when her PR demanded to see all our questions in advance and banned us from asking about her boob job. Tipsy Tara’s not happy that she’s got an international reputation for insobriety. So what does she do? She signs up to present a show on E! which sees her go on a 2 month long piss up around the nightclubs of Europe! Dry your eyes Tara:

TARA: The press just use these bad, ugly pictures of me and they write what they want to write. It's so not fair. People shouldn't be punished for being happy. Sometimes photographers set things up and I've seen magazines that have used a picture of me in the middle of a blink and run a caption saying that I'm wasted. I'm like: 'Dude! I was blinking!'

Meanwhile, Gridskipper have been keeping a close eye on how many margaritas Tara chugs down each episode (clue: loads) and even transcribed her ‘thoughts’ on the rise of Islamic terrorism:

TARA: I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad. [pouts]

We can’t think why E! cancelled Tara’s show two episodes before the end of the run. Have a heart! Where’s this fucked-up floozy going to get her free booze from now? Eh?!


Thursday, September 01, 2005

 

Jack Dee. You are a cunt.

Deadpan funnyman Jack Dee - he’s made a trademark of his dour view of life! And has the likes of Mylene Klass rolling in the aisles! But, on closer inspection, he’s a right fucking cunt. Imagine my horror when I tried to interview him - only for him to refuse to answer any of my questions because ‘he’d mentioned that in other interviews.’ Well, duh, arsehole what do you expect? Of course I’m going to ask you about being an alcoholic bible-bashing cunt, that’s the only thing you’re good for you Mongoloid. So I changed tack. A few questions about his latest product might perk him up, surely? Nope. He was similarly fucking monosyllabic and had the joie de vivre of a Ketamined-up Eeyore.
PRs, if your client is a cunt why not warn the interviewer before hand? Perhaps, when the interviewer phones you to tell you your client is a cunt and that the interview won’t be going in the paper, it would be a better to feign concern/apologise rather than say ‘good, we don’t want Jack to appear in a negative light.’ CUNTS!!


Saturday, May 07, 2005

 

Holy shit! R2D2 hates C3P0!

Our childhood dreams are shattered as we lift the lid on the secret feud that's plagued the Star Wars saga for 30 years! We spoke to Kenny Baker (the bloke in the R2D2 costume) and this is what he told us! For a change this is all 100% straight-from-the-midget's mouth true!
"I went out to Tunisia for the Phantom Menace and when I got on the set everyone was saying ‘Oh now you’re back Kenny it feels like Star Wars again.’ All the other people were strangers - there was only C3P0 [played by Anthony Daniels] and me. No one likes C3P0 though because he’s an awkward bugger.
At first I thought he just didn’t get on with me but recently I’ve found out he doesn’t get on with anyone. I think he got his comeuppance at the huge convention and premiere event they had for Revenge of the Sith in Indianapolis. Usually they would have invited him to compere it but they got Warwick Davies [who played Wicket the Ewok] to do it instead. He’s been such a horrible person over the years - he’s really rude to people and the fans. I think he’s got a problem - I don’t know what it is though.
It’s a shame because if Anthony would just calm himself down and socialise with everybody he and I would clean up. We could tour the world for the next 5 years and make a lot of money. I’ve asked him 4 times now but he looked down his nose at me like I was a piece of shit and said ‘Sorry but I don’t do many of these convention things, go away little man.’ He really degraded me and made me feel small - for want of a better word. Another time I walked past him on set and said ‘Hi Anthony, did you have a good weekend’ and he looked over his shoulder and said ‘I’m having a conversation’ and walked away. I was so angry I could have hit him. There’s no need to be that rude - not only to me but also to the fans. You’re not rude to your fans are you? No doubt he’ll be at the London premiere but I don’t want to get into a slanging match with him, its not worth it is it? But its silly for him to be like that - we could make a fortune".

Will Kenny give C3P0 a smack at the premiere? Stay tuned! This is totally fucked up!


Monday, April 25, 2005

 

Orlando Bloom - tranny loving weirdo?

We saw this story in the Holy Moly mailout: "A mole bumped into legendary drag queen Maur Valance recently. After much reminiscing about the good old days, he asked her what happened to "that very cute young boy" who used to drive her and Barbie (another tranny, with a face like a bag of tonsillitis) from club to club."Oh, Orlando?," said Maur. "He was in those Lord of the Ring films".
Its almost certainly bollocks but it reminded us of a tale about the permy-headed pirating poof. One of our Shithole Spies was on ‘Orly’s’ drama course at Guildhall. The wee elf-to-be was apparently a "weird social outcast" who developed a strange fascination with an older boy in the class and soon started dressing and talking like the poor object of his obsession. We’d like to say it all ended in a hushed-up Single White Female-alike bloodbath but it didn’t. All his classmates just thought he was a Norman Bates in the making and never invited him down the pub.
Ever wondered how Orlando got his big Hobbity break? Any old cunt can put a wig on and pretend to be a pixie. Bloom got the part because his mother worked as a casting director and got her pals ‘in the business’ to do her a favour to get her mentally fucked-up son out of the house and sent to New Zealand for a couple of years. Sadly for ‘Orly’ his new pals hated his flouncy ways and beat him up in an Auckland hotel room. Sean Bean was apparently the ring (ho ho) leader. Good work Mr Bean!


 

The Samaritans are cunts!

Yoo hoo reader! I’ve been away for a while (to the USA - and to paraphrase the Divine David it looks like British Airways’ poofter trolly dollies sure have ‘taken Hitler’s message on board’. Why do you need arms like this to pour tea? It’s crazy madness!) My job has changed too - I now have D-list celebrities phoning me up at all hours for a chat, so that’s kept me busy.
I’m used to dealing with people who thrive on the misery of others - I’m one myself - but those cunts at the Samaritans really take the biscuit. They fixed me up with an interview with Lucy Jo Hudson (pictured) from Coronation Street. Her character kills herself and was ‘keen’ to talk about her work with the Samaritans. She phoned me. It was crap. She wouldn’t answer any questions other than those pertaining to suicide. Zzzz. Straight afterwards this PR cunt called Serena from the Samaritans phoned to whinge about how I ‘didn’t give Lucy a chance to talk about the ethos of the Samaritans.’ THE SHEER FUCKING NERVE OF IT!! Ethos?! Did your twatty charity invent suicide? What a cunt! Anyway, all Lucy talked about was how her neighbour hanged himself - as if I give a fuck. Boo hoo.
So reader, the moral of this tale is that if you are going to kill yourself don’t phone the Samaritans first because it only keeps cunts like Serena in a job.

 

Next best lesbo

Imagine my glee when I had Melanie C lined up for a 10am chinwag. It all went speedily - if uninterestingly - enough, with Mel holding forth about her new album and how there won’t be a Spice Girls reunion. So I was somewhat bemused when at the end of the interview she asked her PR what publication I worked for. When she found out instead of laughing and slamming the phone down - which would have been the appropriate reaction - she went off on a weird tangent. She started saying "mate, mate you won’t stitch me up will you mate?" but in a kind of overbearing way. Alas, she didn’t say anything interesting so she’s got no worries there. Please don’t ‘mate’ me again though Mel. My nerves can’t stand it...

 

Usher? Bum rusher more like

This wee "statement" purportedly by twinkle-toed popstrel Usher (pictured) is doing the rounds at the moment
"I feel that it's time for me to keep it real with my fans. I've been under close scrutiny from so many people. People examining my life and looking inside of me. It's tough living in this fish bowl. As an artist and as a man that I need to be upfront with my fans and I do feel in this point in time, in my life and my career, I don't think it will hurt me because I am a universal superstar and I know they will accept me for who I am and what I am. I just wanna say to all my fans thanks for all the support and the love. My sexuality is not of importance. Yes I have been involved with both genders but that doesn't take away from my massive fanbase and the talent that they have supported me with over the years. I appreciate my fans and thank you very much".
It first started circulating on April Fool’s Day so it’s clearly a load of old rubbish. Or is it?! His well publicised 7-in-a-bed-orgy involving 4 birds and 2 other blokes is clear proof he’s nothing but a latent homosexual if you ask us. And he pure loves waving his nipples hither and yon in his gay-mongous videos. What a fucking bender

 

Jude Law - a bald poof?

Those pesky 3AM Girls are at it again! Have a look at this:
"Meanwhile Jude's fiancee Sienna Miller, 23, has reportedly told friends she is "deeply disillusioned" with her relationship with the 32-year-old Alfie star because of the time they have been spending apart and apparently because of the "new side" she has discovered to his character. Whatever can it all mean?"
What this "means" is that Jude’s a big poofter! The story we heard from an unreliable source has a pissed-up Sadie following Jude to Germany where he was filming Enemy At The (back) Gate, the sloshed fishwife bursts into his hotel room only to find him at it with a male ‘member’ of the crew! Mayhem ensues. Divorce follows. The 3AM Girls are clearly insinuating society cast-off Sienna is too busy with bags and shoes (and stupid fucking ponchos) to realise she’s going out with a homo. Hmmm. Not so ludicrous now eh? A further rumour says that the same team of ‘PR gurus’ who fixed Jude up with Sienna were also responsible for the entirely unbelievable ‘romance’ between Tom Cruise and his Gonk-lookalike sidekick Penelope. Face it. Jude’s a cock sucking slap head!


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