Showbiz Shithole

I can safely say I’ve never had an interview like this one. I called Police Academy legend Steve Guttenberg at his home. A flunky answered the phone and put me on hold. I should have known something would be "up" when the hold music was Living On A Prayer. Minutes later, after a couple of innocent questions, Steve told me how rich he was and asked if I wanted him to be poor again. Being a polite chap I told him that of course I didn’t want him to be poor again. I began to suspect maybe Steve was a bit worse for wear…but it was 10AM! Surely not?! Read on and leave a message if you can think of any rational explanation for the below exchange – other than Steve being pissed to buggery. (By the way - he sure as shit doesn't look like he does in this pic anymore)

Me: Anything else on the horizon?
Steve: I’ll have to come to London soon to meet all my friends again. I was there last year.

What do you like about London?
I love the price of things. It’s so cheap to go to London today. It’s like $1000 to get a taxi ride to the airport. Ha ha ha.

Is there anything about London you don’t like?
I’ve just noticed everyone has a very funny accent over there. Someone’s just told me the English are still trying to take over the United States - is that true?

No one’s told me about it.
I think it is true. I think the RAF are going to head towards the United States with big fat bombs. We need to be a colony again. That’s the problem. We’re out of control. If we were a colony everything would be fine.