Showbiz Shithole

I saw this on the Popbitch mailout and my tiny mind started working over time:

"Which newsworthy Brit actor has had a number of secret sexual encounters with other famous actors, including a pretty-boy American chick-flick favourite, who is married to a feisty blonde actress?"

You don’t need to call the Mystery Machine when this Nancy Drew is on the case – surely the protagonists in this blind item can be none other than Jude "Enemy At The (Back) Gate" Law and Freddie "I Know What You Did Last Bummer" Prinze Jr? Of course, we may be a few Scooby Snacks short of a picnic but it makes sense to us. Rumours of Law’s lavender ways have been flying round town for some time. And if Freddie wasn’t a secret bender why did he have to get pissed out his box before he took Sarah Michelle Gellar up the aisle? Cast your minds back to this September 2002 quote, reader:

"I don't remember the details of the wedding because I was drunk most of the time. My best man comes in and I'm butt naked on the floor. He was dressing me and I had like drool on my cheek. His hand was on the small of my back, holding me up straight so I didn't fall over."

It’s obvious innit? Next!

This is 1920s bit-part actress Peg Entwistle (showing her tits. Between her and Tara this blog is becoming a parade of perversion). After a small role in some film called Thirteen Women her career screeched to a halt. In despair Peg climbed to the top of the letter H in the HollywoodLand sign and threw herself off – impaling herself on a great big cactus in a messy, bloody, grisly and certainly spectacular farewell to planet Earth.

Kym Marsh, Geri Halliwell and Michelle McManMountain – why can’t you dozy fucking bitches follow Peg’s dazzling example?

She drinks like a fucking maniac and doesn’t give a shit when she's papped falling (literally) out of a club or flashing her knickers while getting out of a van (class) or indeed when she walks down a red carpet with her left boob hanging out (pictured). Imagine out glee when she said ‘yes’ to a probing from us. Imagine our dismay when her PR demanded to see all our questions in advance and banned us from asking about her boob job. Tipsy Tara’s not happy that she’s got an international reputation for insobriety. So what does she do? She signs up to present a show on E! which sees her go on a 2 month long piss up around the nightclubs of Europe! Dry your eyes Tara:

TARA: The press just use these bad, ugly pictures of me and they write what they want to write. It's so not fair. People shouldn't be punished for being happy. Sometimes photographers set things up and I've seen magazines that have used a picture of me in the middle of a blink and run a caption saying that I'm wasted. I'm like: 'Dude! I was blinking!'

Meanwhile, Gridskipper have been keeping a close eye on how many margaritas Tara chugs down each episode (clue: loads) and even transcribed her ‘thoughts’ on the rise of Islamic terrorism:

TARA: I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad. [pouts]

We can’t think why E! cancelled Tara’s show two episodes before the end of the run. Have a heart! Where’s this fucked-up floozy going to get her free booze from now? Eh?!

Deadpan funnyman Jack Dee - he’s made a trademark of his dour view of life! And has the likes of Mylene Klass rolling in the aisles! But, on closer inspection, he’s a right fucking cunt. Imagine my horror when I tried to interview him - only for him to refuse to answer any of my questions because ‘he’d mentioned that in other interviews.’ Well, duh, arsehole what do you expect? Of course I’m going to ask you about being an alcoholic bible-bashing cunt, that’s the only thing you’re good for you Mongoloid. So I changed tack. A few questions about his latest product might perk him up, surely? Nope. He was similarly fucking monosyllabic and had the joie de vivre of a Ketamined-up Eeyore.
PRs, if your client is a cunt why not warn the interviewer before hand? Perhaps, when the interviewer phones you to tell you your client is a cunt and that the interview won’t be going in the paper, it would be a better to feign concern/apologise rather than say ‘good, we don’t want Jack to appear in a negative light.’ CUNTS!!