Showbiz Shithole

If you recognise the large-faced chap in this vintage promotional picture you will (only, if at all) know him as the bloke who played Angel in three series of Buffy and five series of his own show. You may reasonably assume, despite the fact he’s in some crap CSI rip-off right now, that he may be willing to discuss what he spent doing with his career for 8 years. Oh no. This is the email I got from his PR, warning me off and then (the cheek) telling me how to do my job:

"As for Angel and Buffy, he's specifically asked that he doesn't get asked questions about this previous role as he's trying to move beyond his Angel character and look forward to the success of Bones. However, I'm sure you can play around with your questions so you avoid referring directly to Angel but instead ask how it compares to previous roles, do you enjoy playing a good guy now rather than your darker roles etc."

I obviously told her to shove it up her arse.

Fur scum! Luckily my dealings with this mincing Welsh orange tub of quivering crap have been limited. Ages ago I got pissed at a fashion show he did for Barbie – in which he dressed a couple of dozen 8 to 12 year old girls like a bunch of prostitutes. More recently though I agreed to interview this cunt. PRs, why not warn the journalist if your client doesn’t want to discuss something? This will prevent the experience becoming a total waste of everyone’s time. As it was Jules wasn’t giving me more than 5 word answers to my questions (other than to insist Liz Hurley ‘knocks spots off the competition, she really is fabooless’) but it all went to tits when I asked him about his fur collection. ‘I’m not talking about it’ he snapped, despite bragging that the PETA protest on his catwalk two months was ‘good publicity’ and that he ‘was a fan of all blood sports’ in interviews when the event took place. Not only is he a chinchilla killing cunt, he’s a coward as well!

Why not save some nice furry animals from mega-arsed murderess Jennifer Lopez here?

I can safely say I’ve never had an interview like this one. I called Police Academy legend Steve Guttenberg at his home. A flunky answered the phone and put me on hold. I should have known something would be "up" when the hold music was Living On A Prayer. Minutes later, after a couple of innocent questions, Steve told me how rich he was and asked if I wanted him to be poor again. Being a polite chap I told him that of course I didn’t want him to be poor again. I began to suspect maybe Steve was a bit worse for wear…but it was 10AM! Surely not?! Read on and leave a message if you can think of any rational explanation for the below exchange – other than Steve being pissed to buggery. (By the way - he sure as shit doesn't look like he does in this pic anymore)

Me: Anything else on the horizon?
Steve: I’ll have to come to London soon to meet all my friends again. I was there last year.

What do you like about London?
I love the price of things. It’s so cheap to go to London today. It’s like $1000 to get a taxi ride to the airport. Ha ha ha.

Is there anything about London you don’t like?
I’ve just noticed everyone has a very funny accent over there. Someone’s just told me the English are still trying to take over the United States - is that true?

No one’s told me about it.
I think it is true. I think the RAF are going to head towards the United States with big fat bombs. We need to be a colony again. That’s the problem. We’re out of control. If we were a colony everything would be fine.