Showbiz Shithole

I find my days (and nights)) dreary, mundande and generally soul destroying. How better to take waste a few moments of this never ending tedium than by pinging an email off to Mariah Carey’s PRs to ask if there’s a medical explanation for their clients recent weight gain. Look at that pic readers! She ain’t no Teri Hatcher!

I may have unleashed a can of worms! No less than three people from her company phoned me back – including the boss – and they call clearly spelled out, in a vaguely Godfather-esque way, that Mariah Absolutely Has Not Put Weight On. ‘She’s a size 8. She looks fabulous. You must be looking at old pictures. It’s an optical illusion. SHE IS A SIZE EIGHT AND LOOKS FABULOUS. YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN. We all make mistakes darling, no need to APOLOGISE.'

Christ almighty! I nearly shat my pants! Shudder. Call your people off Mariah – it’s all been a terrible misunderstanding!