Showbiz Shithole

I agreed to interview Rachel Hunter. I wish I hadn’t. In true dimwit desperado style (see Kelly Brook, below) she got quite uppity when we strayed off the scam she was promoting (something for skanky gypsy clothes craphole TK Maxx). She only wanted to use me to beg for work (‘Something involving dancing and acting on the West End stage would be reeely greet’ she whined, like the giantess Kiwi numpty she is.
Her genius masterstroke came when I asked if she was embarrassed by the fake-pap pics (see left) she posed for when she was shagging self-pitying whinge-bag Robbie Williams.

Munter: ‘I don’t comment about that.’

Shithole: ‘Was it a moment of madness’

Munter: ‘Er, yeeh, it was a moment of medness.’

Fuck’s sake…

I find my days (and nights)) dreary, mundande and generally soul destroying. How better to take waste a few moments of this never ending tedium than by pinging an email off to Mariah Carey’s PRs to ask if there’s a medical explanation for their clients recent weight gain. Look at that pic readers! She ain’t no Teri Hatcher!

I may have unleashed a can of worms! No less than three people from her company phoned me back – including the boss – and they call clearly spelled out, in a vaguely Godfather-esque way, that Mariah Absolutely Has Not Put Weight On. ‘She’s a size 8. She looks fabulous. You must be looking at old pictures. It’s an optical illusion. SHE IS A SIZE EIGHT AND LOOKS FABULOUS. YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN. We all make mistakes darling, no need to APOLOGISE.'

Christ almighty! I nearly shat my pants! Shudder. Call your people off Mariah – it’s all been a terrible misunderstanding!

Boob flasher extraordinaire Kelly Brook, who now lives full time in LA, is flogging her range of manky bikinis at chav Mecca New Look. She celebrated by phoning me and boring on for 7 minutes about what ‘inspired’ her to knock up her pikey swimwear range (er, unemployment perhaps?) In true c-lister-with-a-chip-on-her-shoulder fashion though Kel got her thong in a twist when we tried to stray ‘off topic’. The big-headed-talent-blackhole came out ‘I don’t care what people think of me, the UK market is tiny. No one thinks about the UK when they’re casting movies or selling DVDs’. That’s as maybe Kel but seeing as the UK are the only fuckers who know who you are maybe you should keep your mouth shut? Sigh.

Shithole: ‘Are you going to invite Jason Statham [her ex] to your wedding to Billy Zane’

Kel: ‘That’s irrelevant.’

That’s a coincidence. Silly tart.