Showbiz Shithole

Hooray! Our favourite ever Big Brother contestant - Makosi McBigtits - has sunk to new lows. She’s announced she was paid £1,500 on two different occasions by ‘a young, attractive TV presenter’ to shag him along with some other random old whore. (Although if it was that charming Barney we’d have done it for free). Tearful Makosi even blurted ‘I could hang myself tomorrow and no one would care. I feel like a female dog.’

To mark this special occasion we gave her agent a ring (yes! Amazingly she does still have one!) We asked if she’d fancy having a chat with us to tell us all about the ups and downs of her new career. They turned us down! It’s a bit late in the day to pretend you’re not a great big slapper innit Makosi?!They offered me someone else instead. I think it was the bird who announces the balls on the lottery.

We obviously laughed and told them to fuck off.

Faked boobed floozy Carmen Electra’s got another shit ‘comedy’ film out on DVD. To celebrate she phoned me up for a chat. I couldn’t give a shit about Carmen Electra or her tits so it was a boring experience for both of us. I thought I’d ask about her short lived music career rather than her plastic knockers or her lezzer-tastic photoshoots. This took Carmen by surprise. When it became apparent I wasn’t going to delve into her boobs she dropped random smut into the conversation. ‘I like trip hop. Trip hop gets me horny! It’s so sexy!’ she blathered. Then out of nothing she lezzed up Jordan. ‘She’s so hot! She’s such a good looking girl! And she’s so nice! That’s a rare combination. I did a sexy shoot with her.’ Keep your knickers on skank-face. What a fucking slut.

More c-list nonentities to come viewers! We’re sure you’re shitting yourselves in anticipation.